Sweet Spirits Abound

I was debating whether to write certain things in this post. Certain unkind, judgmental things that paint me as vain and shallow.

Then I came to two realizations. 1. I am operating under the cloak of anonymity and 2. Most people, especially in the dog-eat-dog world of Mormon dating, make petty judgments all the time. Especially about their competition, even potential competition.

As a representative member of the LDS singles community, charged with the sacred duty of recording a girl’s-eye-view of the shark-filled dating pool, I feel it is my responsibility to write even the petty judgments that flicker across my brain-screen.

Long story short: You’re the winners here, dear readers. Today, and every day hereafter, you get My Brain On Dating: Raw, Live, and Uncut. If the MBP guys can do it, so can we.

Let’s get down to brass tacks, shall we?

This past weekend I attended my local singles ward for the first time ever. Last summer I just muddled through as a Valiant 10 teacher in my family ward, and for the first month of being home this summer I got in the habit of attending family Sacrament and then dipping unless my dad was teaching Sunday School.

Besides, you hear things about the singles ward in my city. Things to make your blood curdle and your hair stand on end…if you’re a dude.

You might hear a whisper, suppressed in the wee small hours of the night… “There are no cute girls.”

If you’re feeling particularly bold despite your goosebumps, you might inquire further, but here is the only reply you can hope for. Wait for it, shivering, with bated breath: “All the girls…are fat.”

[Cue that REET REET REET! music from Psycho.]

Also, you might hear that there’s “drama” and a generous sprinkling of year-round weirdos. A great deal of said drama stems from the age-old conflict between Year-Rounders and Bug Guys. The term “Bug Guy” encompasses all summer salesmen by the way, even the ones who sell security systems instead of pest control. Bug Guys swarm in the summer and descend on the ward like locusts, feasting on the fresh and tender crops of hot summer-only girls and leaving only the barren stalks of the year-round girls for the remaining guys to pick through. And the year-round girls are bitter that they don’t get asked out much, either by Year-Rounders or Bugs.

All this is what I had heard. Naturally, I was a bit apprehensive about showing up alone on my first Sunday. I had picked Fast and Testimony meeting to make my debut, because I reasoned that it was the best way to see the most people in their natural habitat. Also, as singles ward veterans know, F&T is when a ward’s “colorful characters” come out to play.

But I held my head high and tried to look confident as I entered the building for the first time. I was wearing a fabulous dress, which didn’t hurt the whole “confidence” thing. After all, I gotta look good: the only reason I'm driving 20 minutes to singles ward instead of 5 to my family ward is so I can meet guys.

As soon as I walked into the foyer, no fewer than three missionaries glommed onto me. Great. I explained that I had lived in the area my whole life and was attending the singles ward for the first time.

Having deflected the missionaries (temporarily—they seemed far too attentive for missionaries if you know what I mean), I meandered into the chapel, looked lost on purpose in the hopes that someone would try and guide me, preferably someone male. Already I had noticed quite a few decent-looking dudes, most of whom were hanging with other dudes, with no girls in sight.

Awesome, I thought to myself.

Then I took stock of my fellow females…and saw a lot of Sweet Spirits.

Whoever had told me about the girls in the ward wasn’t kidding. The most generous definition of “thin,” in my book, is “waist is smaller than hips.” A rough sketch of an hourglass figure, however thick the hourglass, is still feminine-looking and is attractive on almost any girl with the right proportions. Unfortunately, very few girls in the chapel fit this description, and even fewer paired a visible waist with a pretty face. And let’s forget about fashion sense, because it just gets unfair at that point.

I’m not exactly proud of it, but again I thought, Awesome.

One of the few cute girls came up and introduced herself at that point. Annie was pretty and petite (though she was wearing thick, lumpy black socks with her Mary-Janes for some reason). She was also engaged; her dental-student fiancée squeezed in with us on the pew. Annie and her future-EC did the typical cuddling/rubbing/leg touching thing throughout the meeting, leaving me with no one to talk to but the missionary who plonked down on my other side.

“So,” he said earnestly, “what are some of your hobbies?”

You have got to be kidding me.

Anyway, once testimonies started I took note of all the guys who introduced themselves as summer salesmen. Average-to-cute, with a sprinkling of Funny and the occasional dash of Cool.

One guy in particular caught my attention. He was too short to be attractive to me, but he spun out an amusing story and made me think we could be friends.

Before Sunday School started, I introduced myself to him. He stood a head shorter than me when I was wearing my platform espadrilles, so I’m going to call him El Niño. El Niño is a Bug Guy who lives with three other Bug Guys, who I met shortly afterward. They invited me to their apartment for pancakes later that evening, and I happily accepted…

There is definitely more to come on the El Niño front. But this post is nearing epic proportions already. I promise the interesting parts of my evening with El Niño and the Bug Guys (band name, anyone?) will come soon.

-Bea